I didn't see it coming but my, oh my, you were a doozy of a year.
Sarah and I went on a three hour hike today. We went, in part, because we love to hike. My real motivation though was to take as many steps as possible into this new year and leave you far behind.
Personally, you asked me to grow up a bit this year. I am more seasoned than when 2014 began; I know what it is to cry because life feels daunting and out of your control and I know what it is to get up the next day and keep walking, step after step.
I have become more acquainted with the word "cancer" than I'd like to be as those near me have learned that it resides within them. There is nothing redemptive here; no pithy joke that allows me to skip over the messiness of our fleshy existence; cancer was quite a bump in our 2014 road.
We didn't meet our someday-baby in 2014. I had hoped we would ring in the new year as exhausted new parents. Our family full with the addition of a new baby boy or girl. That was not to be. I know it will happen but it is still heavy, still sad. The waiting is still difficult.
We said goodbye to many friends--friends who are still friends though now, with the states in-between us, after work dinners and spur-of-the-moment adventures are no longer possible.
And on a larger note: our world is battered and bruised. You, 2014, were the year some within our country became aware of the systemic violence and racism that folks of color were already so intimately acquainted with. I continue to struggle to learn what it is to be an ally. Often, my words and actions are inadequate. I will keep trying.
So much hurt, a whole lot of pain, weak points and real grief. You were a doozy 2014. It's tempting to say something here--something about how much I learned or why it was all worth it in the end (a lot and I'm sure it will be) but instead I'd like to simply say "goodbye."
I will keep walking, journeying through this life of ours, and I am glad, so glad, that you are behind me.
With not much love,